Every now and then I am just filled with an overwhelming sadness. Most of the time I hold it together, and I enjoy my daughter, and my time is filled with advocacy, playing, appointments, friends, day-to-day stuff... just the usual mom things, plus the extra special-needs stuff thrown in for good measure. But now and then I get really, really sad.
Sometimes I imagine Esme saying things like "What's that, Mama?" or "I play with my friends?" or "I don't like that." or all the cute things I hear other 2.5 year olds saying. I wonder what it would be like to be called "Mama" or "Mommy". I wonder what her voice would sound like, stringing those words together, without Autism slowing her down, making each word she does have painfully slow and mispronounced. I imagine what it would be like if Esme looked at me like other children look at thier moms - showing them things, always wanting attention. I imagine her playing dress up and house, saying "You be the baby, I be the Mama". I imagine eye contact, two words together, three words, more, I imagine planning her future without "If she can talk by then..." or "If she is able to sit at a desk..." or "If we have the money" or all the other "ifs" that bounce around my head.
And I know this post is supposed to end with "But then I look at Esme and realize how lucky I am to have her just the way she is". And I am lucky. She hugs and kisses me. She smiles and looks into my eyes. She tries to talk and communicate. Most of the time I am 100% grateful to have Esme in my life.
But tonight I just want to scream "This isnt fair! This wasnt supposed to be like this!"
Sometimes I just want the Esme I let myself imagine, now and then.